Monday, March 14, 2011

Flash me those pearly whites

I spent all last week at the dentist. I had to have two teeth filled and then I had to take my eight-year-old to the orthodontist. Teeth are one of the body's greatest design flaws. They are like having knives in your kitchen covered in that candy apple coating. Sure it's pretty and shiny and SEEMS hard, but it ERODES. The first time you pour a Coke over it some of that prettiness disappears. Of course the knife is still effective so its hard to throw it out, but it just doesn't look as good.  It's the same with tooth enamel. Tooth enamel is all white and awesome and you are all "I have such a beautiful smile!" And then you go to the dentist and they tell you that a big bunch of that pretty white coating is just gone. And it's never coming back. You would think that teeth would be made of something harder and more durable. Like titanium. Or diamonds. For god's sake I have jewelry that is stronger than my teeth....and it doesn't even have a job to do.

Having teeth filled is possibly the worst form of torture ever. Actually its not the filling part. Its mostly the shot of Novocain thing. I hate hate hate having things numbed. I am totally convinced that no matter what anesthetic or how much is used, that I will totally still feel whatever is happening. In fact, before my first c-section I pretty much clung to the anesthesiologist and yelled repeatedly "I'm gonna feel it! Make sure I can't feel it!" Because, of course, the anesthesiologist had never done his job before and totally needed my guidance on how things were supposed to go. you AREN"T supposed to feel the knife slicing into your abdomen. Gotcha. Good thing you said something because I was just filling your spine full of Hawaiian Punch. So you can imagine my angst before the fillings. But the dentist was really good and was like "Let's come up with a hand signal so that I will know when you need me to stop and take a break for a minute." And my thought was "Won't you be able to figure it out when I bite you?" But she works with children so that probably wouldn't phase her...just like the panicking adult didn't really phase her. 

After having my teeth drilled and filled I got to take my eight-year-old to the orthodontist to discuss strategies because his teeth are TOO BIG and crowding each other. In fact, he is eight and has only lost six teeth because there is no room for the other teeth to come in. The orthodontist said he is a seven-year-old mouth-wise. I am still not sure if that was a compliment or some big criticism of my parenting abilities. Honestly, it's like evolution planned for there to be orthodontists. His teeth are too big for his head. What the hell, Teeth? You never hear that about, say, the pancreas. No doctor is ever like "We need to fit you with a gut extender so we can make room for your spleen." Even goldfish know when to stop growing to fit their environment.

The best part about Dental Week was that the orthodontist's office had complimentary cappuccino. A big machine with a "take all you want" sign on it. It's like he knew I was coming in or something. Or maybe he just figures that if people erode their teeth with hot beverages he will create a demand for more dental work.

So last week I learned that 1) teeth are stupider than goldfish, and 2) my kid's orthodontist is either a sales genius or a misguided barista.

Pretty productive if I do say so myself.


  1. You are freakin' funny. You need to post more often.

  2. I can't help but adore a post that makes me dream of diamond teeth and Hawaiian Punch epidurals.

  3. Johhny- Thank you! I am working on a few new posts actually....

    Katie- Who doesn't dream of diamond teeth? And diamond eyebrows.

  4. where are these "new posts" you speak of?