Monday, November 22, 2010

Ten reasons the hamster that lives in my house should cease to exist

1. It's a hamster.

2. It runs in a wheel. All night long. It doesn't have a metal wheel, but a plastic one attached to the side of its cage. You would think that might be better, but it's not. Instead of SQUEEEEK SQUEEKA SCREECH SQUEEEEK all night, you hear THUMP THUMP WHUMP THUMP THU-THUMP. All night.

3. It refuses to learn to do any tricks.

4. The guy who sat with me to "learn the company's computer system" but who I was really "training to replace me" at my old job gave me the hamster (from his own personal hamster stash I'm guessing). Brought it to me. At work. On the day I was fired.

My boss called me into his office and was all like "We don't need your services anymore" and I was all like "Okay. I'll just stop by my desk and get my hamster and be on my way."

5. It openly mocks my non-pet-lover status by being a pet.

6. I got it for the kids. It is nocturnal. The kids are not. (Yes, I was aware of this fact when I got it.)

7. It is a constant reminder of my decision-making skills. (see reason number 6)

8. When I take it out of its cage and hold it for the kids to pet/poke it, the thing shoves its rodent face so far forward it looks like its eyeballs are going to pop out of its head. That's just creepy. And I have no idea what the protocol would be if ever tiny eyeballs suddenly fell on my floor.

9. It bites me when I feed it. That's just bad form.

10. It has chewed nearly all the way through one of the bars on its cage. Metal bars. I fear animals that can both eat metal and hide in a shoe. The potential for some sort of horrifying attack/embarrassing death is simply too high for my comfort level.


  1. METAL bars? Jeez, now I'm going to be awake all night.

  2. Yes. Metal. I think it might be a hamster zombie. Or really really iron deficient.

  3. I once had a gerbil whose tail would fall off...then grow back... then fall off... then grow back. Rodents are terrifying.